This is a much more recent experience. About a year ago when I began to potty train Brenna I noticed one day after she had used the potty that she had a bulge in her groin on the left side. It was quite large, walnut sized, and I knew something wasn't right. I called Ben to come take a look at it, but by the time he came it had disappeared.
I called her pediatrician up and described it to him and said I thought it was probably a hernia because I didn't know what else would cause a bulge like that without being painful. Brenna did not act like she was in any pain even when I poked the bulge. The pediatrician agreed it sounded like a hernia and referred me straight to a pediatric surgeon without first seeing Brenna.
We went to the appointment with the pediatric surgeon. At this point I had seen the bulge twice, but only when Brenna was straining and standing at the same time. Of course at the doctor's office she didn't strain so he didn't see the bulge, but said that from my description it was a hernia. When babies develop in the womb they start out developing the same and then at a certain point the sex organs specialize. For boys they descend into the groin area and develop into testes. For girls they remain in the abdomen and become ovaries. The small holes through which the testes descend as they develop are present in both boys and girls, but they close up naturally except for a small percentage that remain open, resulting in a hernia later on. He said that since Brenna was over 2 years old it was very unlikely that the hole would close up on its own now so she would need surgery. Even though the bulge was not causing pain or problems now if left untreated it could result in serious problems. So we decided to have the problem surgically fixed.
The doctor made the arrangements with our insurance to have the surgery and the date was scheduled. As the surgery day got closer I became worried that I hadn't seen the bulge again. I worried that maybe it wasn't really a hernia and it would be a needless surgery. Like I was one of those people who wants attention and puts their child through needless surgery to get it. Then the insurance called to say they had denied the claim because the doctor had not actually seen the hernia so they didn't think there was enough evidence to warrant the procedure.
Now I really began to doubt myself. The insurance didn't believe there was a hernia. No one had seen it but me and I hadn't seen it for a couple weeks. The doctor spoke with the insurance company and convinced them surgery was necessary and they approved it so we proceeded, but still I worried. What if they opened Brenna up and nothing was wrong. I really doubted that I had seen the bulge, that it had been as large as I remembered. It is amazing how quickly I doubted what my own eyes had seen when others questioned it. I really wanted to know that I had not just made something up. The day before the surgery I was giving Brenna a bath and I saw the bulge again and it was just as big as I remember. I was reassured that I had seen it, it was real, and I was so grateful the Lord gave me that extra witness to help my confidence. When the surgery was completed the surgeon said the hernia was quite large and it was a good thing to have it fixed.
Through this experience I came to realize in part why we don't build our testimonies on miracles or things that we see or have proven to us. I doubted my eyes within just a couple weeks. I'm so glad my testimony is founded on spiritual witnesses that I can't doubt. The spirit speaks to my spirit in a way I don't forget and I don't second guess and I don't deny.
I also have a greater appreciation for people who stand by their testimonies in the face of opposition. Joseph Smith as a young boy was ridiculed and questioned and criticized by learned men seemingly far superior to him in intellect and knowledge and yet he did not waver in his conviction of what he had seen. I was questioned by the insurance company and I wavered, but then again mine wasn't a spiritual manifestation. I hope in my testimony I will be firm and unafraid as Joseph and stand true to what I know in the face of any opposition.
Last, I am grateful for the mercy of God to let me have another witness when I faltered and doubted. He is so merciful and gives us so abundantly when we are in need.
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3 comments:
Thanks for posting this Rebekah. You always have been a young woman of faith. I still have the "lamp with oil in it" on the fridge that you gave to dad and me years ago. I admire your faith and trusting in the Lord.
Do you remember the time when your were about 5 years old in Primary? Sister Rebecca Pinegar was the music director and she was teaching you the song "We'll bring the world His truth". You came to me after church and told me about the song and about how it made you feel. You said it made you feel warm inside to sing that song. I told you that it was the Holy Ghost telling you that the words of that song were true. I always think about you when that song is sung.
That is going to be another spiritual part to add. :) thanks mom.
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