This first experience is my earliest recollection of the spirit's presence in my life. I was in Primary during Sharing Time and we were living in Iowa City at the time. I was between the ages of 4 and 6 because we moved to Burlington before I started first grade. We were learning the song "We'll Bring the World His Truth". I remember as we sang the first line about being born of goodly parents I felt a warmth in my heart. My mother says I asked her about it afterwards and she told my it was the Holy Ghost. I don't remember that, I just remember how it felt to sing those words. I wish I felt the spirit that way all the time but I don't. In fact, I have never felt the presence of the Holy Ghost like that again. His promptings are different now and even though the experience was long ago and many other details have faded from my memory I still remember what it felt like. I didn't want to leave. I believe heaven will feel like that.
The only other times in my life where I have felt the Holy Ghost in a similar way have been with music. When my family gets together and is in Sacrament meeting together singing the Sacramet hymn I feel the spirit and I know what heaven will be like again. It isn't a warm feeling but a very strong feeling of love and peace. I know heaven is about families. I know the sacrament in about love. I have learned that I feel and learn things through music. There are a couple hymns that I feel the spirit testify to me each time I sing them. "Glory to God on High" is my favorite. When the congregation sings this together I feel such a bound of love and charity.
I am so grateful the Lord let me have this experience so early in life. It has been a rock to my testimony. If all else fails I know I have lt the love of God in my heart. I also think this experience prepared me as a child to trust my parents. I knew the words of the song were true so I knew I had good parents and I chose to trust them. It saved them and me a lot of heartache I am sure. It also set me up for one of my hardest decisions.
When I went to college at BYU it was the first time I was separated from my parents for anything longer air further away than Girls Camp. It was a time to live my life under my own disciplin and apply all my parents had taught me. When I went back home that first summer I had a far greater appreciation for God's gift of agency. I really liked being in charge of my life.
That first semester I met Ben. We were in the same ward and had a class together. Soon we started studying for the class together, I began sitting in on his philosophy classes, and we saw each other every day. He was a return missionary and the minute my parents learned this they warned me to be careful and slow down because he would be looking for a wife and I was too young. Never have I been so conflicted. I had always listened and heeded my parrent's counsel to this point. I just knew they knew best and loved me. This was the first struggle I had with something my parents wanted me to do. I prayed and thought about it. How could I cut down on the time I was spending with Ben. How could I slow things down. Each time I thought of ways to pull back I felt dark, empty, and confused. I finally decided that was my answer. My parents were giving me good advice, but I needed to make my own choices now and I really felt the right choice was to keep dating Ben, the opposite of what my parents said I should do. Really tough choice for me and I wasn't completely sure it was the right one because I knew I had a lot of emotions wrapped up in it.
I went ahead with my decision that first semester and then winter semester came. Things stayed the same and all my friends said Ben would propose and I would get married that semester. That worried me because I still wasn't sure if I was following the spirit or my emotions. As the semester wrapped up and finals got close I couldn't take it anymore. I was in my room studying and I remember as I thought about all these things the room felt dark and stressfull. I decided I would pray and I felt to tell the Lord that my decision would be to marry Ben if he asked me. I closed my prayer and stood up. At first the room felt dark still, but then suddenly everything felt peaceful and bright. I knew my answer. I have looked back to this prayer throughout my marriage. Marriage is tough work sometimes,especially at the beginning when two people learn to think of the unite rather than themselves. I sometimes question my ability to hear and recognize promptings, but I never questioned tht answer because it was so dramatic. I always knew from that day that the choice to marry Ben was the right one. It has blessed my life and my marriage. I am grateful thenLord knows the kinds of answers and promptings to give me that will be a strength to me my whole life.
Thursday, April 19, 2012
Sunday, April 15, 2012
Spiritual Strength Part 2
This is a much more recent experience. About a year ago when I began to potty train Brenna I noticed one day after she had used the potty that she had a bulge in her groin on the left side. It was quite large, walnut sized, and I knew something wasn't right. I called Ben to come take a look at it, but by the time he came it had disappeared.
I called her pediatrician up and described it to him and said I thought it was probably a hernia because I didn't know what else would cause a bulge like that without being painful. Brenna did not act like she was in any pain even when I poked the bulge. The pediatrician agreed it sounded like a hernia and referred me straight to a pediatric surgeon without first seeing Brenna.
We went to the appointment with the pediatric surgeon. At this point I had seen the bulge twice, but only when Brenna was straining and standing at the same time. Of course at the doctor's office she didn't strain so he didn't see the bulge, but said that from my description it was a hernia. When babies develop in the womb they start out developing the same and then at a certain point the sex organs specialize. For boys they descend into the groin area and develop into testes. For girls they remain in the abdomen and become ovaries. The small holes through which the testes descend as they develop are present in both boys and girls, but they close up naturally except for a small percentage that remain open, resulting in a hernia later on. He said that since Brenna was over 2 years old it was very unlikely that the hole would close up on its own now so she would need surgery. Even though the bulge was not causing pain or problems now if left untreated it could result in serious problems. So we decided to have the problem surgically fixed.
The doctor made the arrangements with our insurance to have the surgery and the date was scheduled. As the surgery day got closer I became worried that I hadn't seen the bulge again. I worried that maybe it wasn't really a hernia and it would be a needless surgery. Like I was one of those people who wants attention and puts their child through needless surgery to get it. Then the insurance called to say they had denied the claim because the doctor had not actually seen the hernia so they didn't think there was enough evidence to warrant the procedure.
Now I really began to doubt myself. The insurance didn't believe there was a hernia. No one had seen it but me and I hadn't seen it for a couple weeks. The doctor spoke with the insurance company and convinced them surgery was necessary and they approved it so we proceeded, but still I worried. What if they opened Brenna up and nothing was wrong. I really doubted that I had seen the bulge, that it had been as large as I remembered. It is amazing how quickly I doubted what my own eyes had seen when others questioned it. I really wanted to know that I had not just made something up. The day before the surgery I was giving Brenna a bath and I saw the bulge again and it was just as big as I remember. I was reassured that I had seen it, it was real, and I was so grateful the Lord gave me that extra witness to help my confidence. When the surgery was completed the surgeon said the hernia was quite large and it was a good thing to have it fixed.
Through this experience I came to realize in part why we don't build our testimonies on miracles or things that we see or have proven to us. I doubted my eyes within just a couple weeks. I'm so glad my testimony is founded on spiritual witnesses that I can't doubt. The spirit speaks to my spirit in a way I don't forget and I don't second guess and I don't deny.
I also have a greater appreciation for people who stand by their testimonies in the face of opposition. Joseph Smith as a young boy was ridiculed and questioned and criticized by learned men seemingly far superior to him in intellect and knowledge and yet he did not waver in his conviction of what he had seen. I was questioned by the insurance company and I wavered, but then again mine wasn't a spiritual manifestation. I hope in my testimony I will be firm and unafraid as Joseph and stand true to what I know in the face of any opposition.
Last, I am grateful for the mercy of God to let me have another witness when I faltered and doubted. He is so merciful and gives us so abundantly when we are in need.
I called her pediatrician up and described it to him and said I thought it was probably a hernia because I didn't know what else would cause a bulge like that without being painful. Brenna did not act like she was in any pain even when I poked the bulge. The pediatrician agreed it sounded like a hernia and referred me straight to a pediatric surgeon without first seeing Brenna.
We went to the appointment with the pediatric surgeon. At this point I had seen the bulge twice, but only when Brenna was straining and standing at the same time. Of course at the doctor's office she didn't strain so he didn't see the bulge, but said that from my description it was a hernia. When babies develop in the womb they start out developing the same and then at a certain point the sex organs specialize. For boys they descend into the groin area and develop into testes. For girls they remain in the abdomen and become ovaries. The small holes through which the testes descend as they develop are present in both boys and girls, but they close up naturally except for a small percentage that remain open, resulting in a hernia later on. He said that since Brenna was over 2 years old it was very unlikely that the hole would close up on its own now so she would need surgery. Even though the bulge was not causing pain or problems now if left untreated it could result in serious problems. So we decided to have the problem surgically fixed.
The doctor made the arrangements with our insurance to have the surgery and the date was scheduled. As the surgery day got closer I became worried that I hadn't seen the bulge again. I worried that maybe it wasn't really a hernia and it would be a needless surgery. Like I was one of those people who wants attention and puts their child through needless surgery to get it. Then the insurance called to say they had denied the claim because the doctor had not actually seen the hernia so they didn't think there was enough evidence to warrant the procedure.
Now I really began to doubt myself. The insurance didn't believe there was a hernia. No one had seen it but me and I hadn't seen it for a couple weeks. The doctor spoke with the insurance company and convinced them surgery was necessary and they approved it so we proceeded, but still I worried. What if they opened Brenna up and nothing was wrong. I really doubted that I had seen the bulge, that it had been as large as I remembered. It is amazing how quickly I doubted what my own eyes had seen when others questioned it. I really wanted to know that I had not just made something up. The day before the surgery I was giving Brenna a bath and I saw the bulge again and it was just as big as I remember. I was reassured that I had seen it, it was real, and I was so grateful the Lord gave me that extra witness to help my confidence. When the surgery was completed the surgeon said the hernia was quite large and it was a good thing to have it fixed.
Through this experience I came to realize in part why we don't build our testimonies on miracles or things that we see or have proven to us. I doubted my eyes within just a couple weeks. I'm so glad my testimony is founded on spiritual witnesses that I can't doubt. The spirit speaks to my spirit in a way I don't forget and I don't second guess and I don't deny.
I also have a greater appreciation for people who stand by their testimonies in the face of opposition. Joseph Smith as a young boy was ridiculed and questioned and criticized by learned men seemingly far superior to him in intellect and knowledge and yet he did not waver in his conviction of what he had seen. I was questioned by the insurance company and I wavered, but then again mine wasn't a spiritual manifestation. I hope in my testimony I will be firm and unafraid as Joseph and stand true to what I know in the face of any opposition.
Last, I am grateful for the mercy of God to let me have another witness when I faltered and doubted. He is so merciful and gives us so abundantly when we are in need.
Spiritual Strength Part I
Certain things have happened over the last three years and as I try to look forward I feel the need to regroup spiritually. I need to remember things that have happened to me in the past. So my next few posts are going to be a retelling of some of the pivotal spiritual points and lessons in my life so I can remember and have a renewal of hope.
Have you ever had a dream where everyone can do something except you? I have, several times. In my dreams everyone can fly, but no matter how hard I try I only hover a few inches for a few seconds and then fall back to earth. I am doing everything right in my dream so I should be able to fly, but I'm just not able to do it.
As a young teenager this is how I felt about personal revelation. I felt somehow everyone else could receive it, but for some reason I wasn't capable. I was reading the Book of Mormon and I wanted to put Moroni's promise to the test. I just didn't believe I could receive an answer, though. I think in my own way I was preparing myself to lessen the disappointment of no answer coming. I firmly believed my parents had received answers and could receive revelation and the prophet and apostles too. I just didn't think I qualified somehow.
Well, when I got to the end of the Book of Mormon I reread Moroni 10:4-5 and knelt to pray. Nothing. It was kind of a self-fulfilling thing since I had anticipated nothing. I didn't give up because the idea of God not being real was too frightening to me so I continued through the motions. I knew from my study of the Book of Mormon that if I wanted my seed to grow I needed to nurture it. So I continued to pray each night and I started reading the Book of Mormon again. For months I didn't receive any answer and I really believed it was because I just could receive personal revelation.
One night I decided to pray first and then read my scriptures. I was really frustrated and confused because I knew I needed my own testimony but if I was incapable of gaining one what would I do. Again I felt nothing as I concluded my prayer and I began to read my scriptures. I was in Alma chapter 32. The minute I read verse 27 I was changed.
"But behold, if ye will awake and arouse your faculties, even to an experiment upon my words, and exercise a particle of faith, yea, even if ye can no more than desire to believe, let this desire work in you, even until ye believe in a manner that ye can give place for a portion of my words."
I have never had a scripture affect me so. It was as if Alma wrote it just for me. All I had was my desire to believe, I no longer had an expectation of an answer, but I wanted to believe and I had given place for his words. As I read the scripture I realized that the only qualifying thing I needed to have was this sincere desire and I had it so I could receive revelation. In that moment I literally felt arms of love wrapped around me and I knew God loved me and had heard my prayers all along. He had waited until I had read back to this scripture to answer them. Why? I think it is because of the powerful lessons I learned through this experience, lessons that have become more profound to me now.
First, I know God hears my prayers and indeed they are answered in His time. Second, many answers come through diligent reading of the scriptures. What would have happened had I given up before reaching Alma 32:27 a second time? I wonder how God felt as I read along and prayed and He knew I just needed to get a little further. Third, sometimes we are prompted to do things differently and don't even know it. I always prayed after my scripture reading, but not that night. Fourth, I know God loves me. I felt it reaffirmed in my heart that night and I have remembered it ever since. In times of doubt when other things seem dim and hard to recall, I grope in my mind and heart for something solid to build upon and I come back to that night. I know what I felt. Fifth, I am capable and qualified to receive revelation. I don't have to be someone special in the church. I am a daughter of God and lived with Him before I came to earth. I have a relationship with Him that extends before my mortal birth and therefore I can have a relationship with Him here on earth and all I need to do is sincerely desire it. A great comfort because sometimes I feel that is all I have.
I have had other experiences that have reaffirmed some of these lessons to me like The Parable of the Dignitet. I am grateful for the Lord's mercy to me in letting me feel again and learn again things that I already know. In the darkest of times it is comforting to feel anew that He cares and has been present through my whole life. I hope Alma knows how blessed I am because of his words.
Have you ever had a dream where everyone can do something except you? I have, several times. In my dreams everyone can fly, but no matter how hard I try I only hover a few inches for a few seconds and then fall back to earth. I am doing everything right in my dream so I should be able to fly, but I'm just not able to do it.
As a young teenager this is how I felt about personal revelation. I felt somehow everyone else could receive it, but for some reason I wasn't capable. I was reading the Book of Mormon and I wanted to put Moroni's promise to the test. I just didn't believe I could receive an answer, though. I think in my own way I was preparing myself to lessen the disappointment of no answer coming. I firmly believed my parents had received answers and could receive revelation and the prophet and apostles too. I just didn't think I qualified somehow.
Well, when I got to the end of the Book of Mormon I reread Moroni 10:4-5 and knelt to pray. Nothing. It was kind of a self-fulfilling thing since I had anticipated nothing. I didn't give up because the idea of God not being real was too frightening to me so I continued through the motions. I knew from my study of the Book of Mormon that if I wanted my seed to grow I needed to nurture it. So I continued to pray each night and I started reading the Book of Mormon again. For months I didn't receive any answer and I really believed it was because I just could receive personal revelation.
One night I decided to pray first and then read my scriptures. I was really frustrated and confused because I knew I needed my own testimony but if I was incapable of gaining one what would I do. Again I felt nothing as I concluded my prayer and I began to read my scriptures. I was in Alma chapter 32. The minute I read verse 27 I was changed.
"But behold, if ye will awake and arouse your faculties, even to an experiment upon my words, and exercise a particle of faith, yea, even if ye can no more than desire to believe, let this desire work in you, even until ye believe in a manner that ye can give place for a portion of my words."
I have never had a scripture affect me so. It was as if Alma wrote it just for me. All I had was my desire to believe, I no longer had an expectation of an answer, but I wanted to believe and I had given place for his words. As I read the scripture I realized that the only qualifying thing I needed to have was this sincere desire and I had it so I could receive revelation. In that moment I literally felt arms of love wrapped around me and I knew God loved me and had heard my prayers all along. He had waited until I had read back to this scripture to answer them. Why? I think it is because of the powerful lessons I learned through this experience, lessons that have become more profound to me now.
First, I know God hears my prayers and indeed they are answered in His time. Second, many answers come through diligent reading of the scriptures. What would have happened had I given up before reaching Alma 32:27 a second time? I wonder how God felt as I read along and prayed and He knew I just needed to get a little further. Third, sometimes we are prompted to do things differently and don't even know it. I always prayed after my scripture reading, but not that night. Fourth, I know God loves me. I felt it reaffirmed in my heart that night and I have remembered it ever since. In times of doubt when other things seem dim and hard to recall, I grope in my mind and heart for something solid to build upon and I come back to that night. I know what I felt. Fifth, I am capable and qualified to receive revelation. I don't have to be someone special in the church. I am a daughter of God and lived with Him before I came to earth. I have a relationship with Him that extends before my mortal birth and therefore I can have a relationship with Him here on earth and all I need to do is sincerely desire it. A great comfort because sometimes I feel that is all I have.
I have had other experiences that have reaffirmed some of these lessons to me like The Parable of the Dignitet. I am grateful for the Lord's mercy to me in letting me feel again and learn again things that I already know. In the darkest of times it is comforting to feel anew that He cares and has been present through my whole life. I hope Alma knows how blessed I am because of his words.
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